


The Pie-Maker Meets SHIELD

by Yevynaea



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Pushing Daisies, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crossover, Fix-It, Not Canon Compliant, also the original character, but i needed an au where the truth was not so fucking traumatizing, i know we already learned the truth about tahiti, is just in there because i will never be satisfied by the paltry number, of genderqueer characters in fiction, so i thought why not put a nonbinary shield agent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 09:13:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yevynaea/pseuds/Yevynaea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ned is asked by Director Fury of SHIELD to bring back a friend after the Battle of New York.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pie-Maker Meets SHIELD

            At this very moment at the Longborough School for Boys, young Ned was ten years, seventeen weeks, one day, and fifty-two minutes old. He was also waking up rather abruptly from a nightmare, one that started with lots of ice cream and balloons and ended in a small white room where bits were cut out of young Ned until there wasn’t anything left to cut. Upon awaking, Ned was extremely grateful to find that he was not in fact in a small white room, or at least, not one anything like his nightmare.

            Heartbeat still too-fast and thoughts drifting back to the terror of his dream, young Ned slipped out of bed and headed downstairs to do the only thing he knew would comfort him—make pies.

 

            Twenty-one years, nine weeks, and two days later, Ned the Pie-Maker pulled one perfectly-baked triple-berry pie from the oven and placed it on display with all the others, smiling to himself as he watched customers come and go from the Pie Hole. Olive Snook rushed from table to table, bringing people their orders, and due to how busy the establishment was at the moment, Charlotte Charles, known to her friends as ‘Chuck’, was helping. Ned turned back to the ovens when one of them beeped, taking out a strawberry-rhubarb pie to put next to the triple-berry one. He didn’t get a chance to turn toward the kitchen again, though, before his attention was drawn to the bell at the front door ringing.

            Entering the Pie Hole were three Very Intimidating People. The man in front had dark skin and an eye patch, and was wearing a long coat like an action movie hero. Ned had the sudden urge to hide behind the counter, and the urge only grew when he directed his attention to the other two people flanking the first man.

One was a white woman, dark hair drawn back into a bun and lips set in a firm line that made her look more threatening than even her already-intimidating stance and gait. She was wearing a dark full-body suit that looked like it might be made of an almost PVC-like fabric, and had a silver geometric bird-shape on either shoulder.

The last of the three visitors was Hispanic, with short, ruffled, brown hair and a perfectly tailored suit on that just radiated ‘men-in-black’ government-worker vibes. Not to mention the sunglasses. Ned couldn’t tell their gender at first glance, their face was completely androgynous and their chest was flat under the suit, though their slight build suggested that they were female. These facts combined with the stranger’s overconfident gait and wide stance, very testosterone-driven traits in Ned’s personal experience with people, made it hard to say whether this visitor was indeed male, female, or something in between. The Pie-Maker concluded that perhaps the third visitor’s androgyny was purposeful, and didn’t try to deduce their gender any more for fear of being rude.

The three strangers scanned the room for a long moment before moving to seat themselves at a recently-vacated table by the door. Olive dropped menus off at their table on her way to deliver a slice of peach pie to table seven, but ten minutes later when the strangers had long-since put their menus down, both Chuck and Olive were busy with other customers. So, with a deep breath and a repeated mental mantra of ‘these people are not here to take you to a small white room,’ the Pie-Maker stepped out from behind the counter to take the Very Intimidating People’s orders.

“Hi, welcome to the Pie Hole, what can I get for you?” Ned smiled brightly, forcing his uneasy feelings down. The eye patch man answered first.

“I’ll have a slice of cherry pie. Nothing else.”

Ned wrote the order down and turned to the other two customers at the table. The woman smiled a tight little almost-smile.

“I’ll get a slice of pecan, a la mode.” She said, handing over her menu.

The androgynous stranger was speaking almost before Ned had even turned to them, eager to order.

“A Brownie Sundae cup-pie, please, no almonds.”

Ned nodded, smiling briefly at the three of them again (and vaguely noticing that even the third stranger’s accented _voice_ seemed genderless) before hurrying back to the kitchen to prepare their orders.

 

* * * *

 

            Agents Alex Mondragon and Maria Hill both watched the Pie-Maker leave, but while Agent Hill’s focus was on the man’s mannerisms, trying to deduce him and analyze him like SHIELD had taught her as a rookie years ago, Agent Mondragon’s attention was on the Pie-Maker’s retreating backside.

            “Èl es muy guapo.” Alex said appreciatively, still blatantly staring at the man’s behind. Hill followed her friend’s gaze and smirked.

            “Si.” She agreed. “Y el resto de él no es tan malo tampoco.”

            “Stare on your own time; we have a job to do.” Fury rolled his eye. His two agents snapped their eyes up to face him, faces growing serious and professional.

            “Of course, sir.” Mondragon nodded, sneaking one last glance at Ned’s tall figure before all but his torso disappeared behind the counter.

 

* * * *

 

            “Those people over there are making me very uncomfortable.” Ned admitted to Chuck as he scooped some vanilla ice cream on top of a slice of pecan pie. Chuck paused in her buzzing about to look at the table Ned kept glancing toward. The three strangers were busy talking amongst themselves, but every so often one of them would look over at the Pie-Maker.

            “Is it the clothes?” Chuck asked, remembering when Ned had told her about his childhood nightmares of being spirited away to get bits cut out of him. Ned nodded.

            “They look like secret government people who own a Ned-sized white room and aren’t afraid to use it.” He sent one last worried glance over to the strangers’ table, going back into the kitchen to grab a Brownie Sundae cup-pie and picking up the other two plates as well, expertly managing to hold all three.

            As he set the pies down in front of the customers, Ned repeated his mantra to himself. _There is no Ned-sized white room; these people are just here for pie; they don’t know what you can do…_

            “Thank you.” The eye patch wearing stranger said as his plate was put down in front of him. “If you could please sit down, Ned, my comrades and I would like just a moment of your time.”

            Ned froze for a half-second, terrified. Then, when the Hispanic stranger scooted over to make room for the Pie-Maker on the seat next to them, he swallowed and slowly sank down into the booth.

            “You are Ned, the Pie-Maker, aren’t you?” The woman asked, staring him down across the table. Ned nodded weakly, wanting to bolt but too busy reliving his nightmares to do anything of the sort.

            “My friends and I here are with SHIELD, you ever heard of it?” The man asked, folding his hands together on the table in front of Ned. The Pie-Maker frowned slightly.

            “I don’t think so.” Ned shook his head. “But then again I don’t get out of Papen County much so if something is from out of town I wouldn’t have heard of it. Except for the Avengers; I know them. I think everyone saw them on TV a couple weeks ago, that whole alien invasion and everything was hard to miss.” The Pie-Maker offered a tiny smile, which quickly grew in both size and sincerity when the person next to him took a big bite of their Brownie Sundae and moaned almost obscenely.

            “This is fucking delicious.” They said through a mouthful of cup-pie. Looking at their friends’ untouched plates they rolled their eyes. “Seriously, you guys are going to order pie from the best-reviewed pie place in the county and you’re not even going to try it?”

            The woman took a small bit of her pie and ice cream, humming and taking another bite. Though her face did not lose the stern and professional expression, she nodded acknowledgement toward Ned, who smiled at her. The eye-patched man, however, didn’t touch his dessert, instead looking exasperatedly at each of his companions before turning back to the Pie-Maker.

            “We have a proposition for you.” The man started, and Ned felt the tiny flower of hope growing inside him at the thought that maybe these people _were_ just here for pie shrivel up and die. “You said you know of the Avengers; SHIELD is the organization behind the Avengers Initiative. We have what you might call a sort of watch-list over at SHIELD.”

            “Like a terrorist watch-list?” Ned inquired.

            “More like a superpowered-individuals-we-need-to-know-won’t-go-crazy-and-evil-on-us watch-list.” The man deadpanned. “We keep track of extraordinary people, Pie-Maker. People like you.”

            At those words, the dead hope-flower was doused in gasoline and lit on fire. Just to be sure that it was well and truly dead and no amount of magic or superpowers could ever bring it back.

            “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ned replied lamely, his voice wavering and his stomach dropping even further than it already had.

            “SHIELD thinks you do.” The woman said, and her tone made that statement sound like a threat.

            Ned was about to get up and leave when he felt the person next to him lay their hand on the back of his neck. They had a metal band on one of their fingers, and when they twitched their hand a tiny needle popped out, almost breaking through Ned’s skin, but not quite.

            “Please don’t.” The person grinned, and it was a much scarier expression now than it had been before. “We have agents posted a few blocks away in an ambulance, ready to come and carry you away if you ‘black out’. But we’d much rather prefer it didn’t come to that.”

            “We just want to talk.” The man added. “We’re willing to pay you for your services, and you can be back home in just a few hours if we leave soon.”

            “What services, because I should tell you now that my…power comes with certain conditions--”

            “We’re well aware of the rules concerning your gift, Ned.” The woman interrupted. “We’ve had agents checking up on you periodically for a good decade now. We have a plan already set up; all you have to do is touch someone.”

            “Who?” Ned still felt queasy about all of this, especially the ‘we’ve been watching you’ part, but it didn’t seem like this was so much a choice whether to do as they said or not, but more of a choice of whether he would go willingly or they’d just drag him away.

            “Agent Phil Coulson.” The eye-patched man said. Ned was given a picture to go with the name, of a white man with a receding hairline and a face that was somehow both unreadable and friendly. “He died in the events leading up to the Battle of New York. He was a close friend of mine and a damn good agent, and I need him back. We’ll take you to the site we’ve set up, you touch Coulson, the cow we’ve bought dies, and you come home to your dead-girl girlfriend with extra money in your pocket. Sound like a deal?”

            At that moment, Chuck evidently finally got a second between pie-delivering to look over at the ongoing situation, because she was approaching the table with a look of concern and anger on her face.

            “Ned, are you alright?” Chuck asked, glaring at the SHIELD agent who still had a needle pressed to Ned’s neck.

            “I’m fine. Mostly.” Ned responded only-slightly-glumly. He turned to address the agents across from him. “I bring your guy back on one condition, you stop sending people to spy on me.”

            “We can’t do that.” The woman said curtly. “…But we can lower the frequency of our visits. We can make it so that you only get an agent in here twice a year, instead of the current five times a year.”

            “Hill…” The eye patch man warned, sending her a quick glare. The woman, Hill, didn’t pay him any heed.

            “Or, we can lower it only slightly, to one visit every three months, but you’ll know when they’re here. They’ll tell you who they are so you don’t feel paranoid all the time thinking anyone could be one of our people.”

            “I like the second option better.” Ned admitted.

            “I do too.” Chuck agreed, though she’d not heard the whole of the conversation. But what she had heard had been enough to understand at least the basics of what she’d missed.

            “Then it’s settled. Once you close up here, we’ll go to where Agent Coulson is.” The Hispanic agent took their hand away from Ned’s neck, once again turning their attention to their cup-pie. Ned got up and walked with Chuck as swiftly as he could back to the kitchen.

 

* * * *

 

            Only once the Pie-Maker had gotten up to leave did Director Fury finally take a bite of his pie.

            “For a guy who raises the dead to keep his business alive, that motherfucker makes some damn good pie. Mondragon, make sure to order us some to go before we leave here.”

            “Is that an order, sir?” Alex fought to keep their face un-smiling.

            “Don’t give me that sass or I might just demote you to level 6 again.” Fury warned. Mondragon snorted in amusement.

            “I’ll make a note of it, sir.” They assured the Director solemnly, who sent them one last glare before taking another bite of his pie.

 

* * * *

 

            Ned took a deep breath as he finished telling the whole story to Chuck, and she put a steadying hand on his shirt-covered shoulder.

            “I think this is really good of you,” She said with a gentle smile, “Helping them even though they scare you so much. Honestly they scare me too, but I think behind the needles and spying they’re really just good people who want their friend back.”

            The Pie-Maker smiled back at her, wishing desperately that he could reach his own hand up to hold hers.

 

* * * *

 

            “Do you think we could get an apple pie to go?” Ned startled at the Hispanic agent’s voice and looked up to find them smiling innocently at him from the counter. None of the agents had said another word to him for the last three hours while they waited patiently for the Pie Hole to close, which it was in the process of doing presently.

            “Um…sure.” He bent down to retrieve a box, sliding an apple pie from the display into it hastily and placing it in front of the agent.

            “My name’s Alex, by the way, Agent Alex Mondragon. Since Director Fury didn’t bother to introduce us.” The agent—Alex—rolled their eyes. Ned couldn’t help but laugh a bit at that. Agent Mondragon smiled wider, but then their expression grew serious and they leaned forward slightly, glancing warily back toward ‘Director Fury’ and Agent Hill. “Can I get a couple more cup-pies to go, too?”

            “What kind?”

            “I think I’ll try a vanilla bean, and…maybe a lemon raspberry.”

            The Pie-Maker retrieved and packaged those as well, and Mondragon pulled a credit card from the wallet in their back pocket to pay for the pies with. Once they’d paid, Alex grabbed the pies and headed back over to the other two agents, then all three of them were getting up to go.

            “We’ll be waiting in the car.” Hill informed Ned, who nodded understanding.

            “I still don’t like that I can’t go with you. It’s making me nervous to have you be alone with those people.” Chuck informed the Pie-Maker from safely on the other side of the pie display, where his short moment of surprised flailing would not result in accidental contact with her.

            “You and Emerson will be following behind, remember?” Ned reminded her. Chuck had called the PI earlier and informed him of the situation, at which point Emerson Cod had agreed that it would be unwise to let Ned go with a bunch of shady secret agents to an undisclosed location without backup. They’d come up with a plan to tail the SHIELD agents, so that they could keep an eye on goings on and make sure there were no white rooms or vivisections involved.

            “I know, but that isn’t the same as actually going with you.” Chuck pouted.

            “I know.” Ned offered what could have almost been a smile if it wasn’t so grim.

 

* * * *

 

            “Here we are.” Agent Hill, who Ned had been informed on the ride over was not in fact a holder of the title ‘Agent’ but of the title ‘Deputy Director of SHIELD’, announced as she stopped the car in front of what looked like a small office building.

            “This looks like a small office building.” Ned tilted his head at it.

            “It’s a SHIELD base.” Mondragon explained as the four of them got out of the car. “A small and rarely used one, this being such an un-extraordinary county—besides yourself, but that just means that it’s currently empty except for one soon-to-be alive again agent and one soon-to-be not-so-alive cow.”

            Director Fury entered first, leading the rest of them through the building to a locked room which he unlocked with a passcode. Inside, there was indeed a cow, but she was a very old and sickly cow and was nearing the end of her life anyway, which Ned was glad for. The cow was lying mildly in the corner, half asleep and tied to a post that was decidedly not something you’d generally find in an office building.

There was also a human-sized box on the floor, which let out a small cloud of cold air when it was opened. Inside of the box, the same Agent Coulson that Ned had been shown a photo of was lying dead, what looked like a large stitched-up stab wound in his chest and a pair of plain grey sweatpants protecting his dignity.

            “Wait a minute before bringing him back, so the three of us have time to clear the building.” Fury requested, heading back the way they’d come with Hill and Mondragon close behind.

            New did as they said, waiting a minute and a half just to be sure they were out, then starting his stopwatch and gingerly tapping Agent Coulson on the shoulder. The man awoke immediately, trying to sit up and grimacing in pain when the stitches in his chest pulled. Ned scrambled back to avoid touching Coulson again.

            “Who are you?” The agent demanded, controlling his breathing as he lay back down, looking down at his stitched as best he could.

            “I’m Ned. The Pie-Maker.” Ned introduced himself, glancing at his watch. “And you probably shouldn’t mess with your stitches, that wound is going to need a long time to heal.”

            “A Pie-Maker?” Phil Coulson inquired. He seemed to be deep in thought for a moment, like he was trying to remember something, then he looked up at Ned again. “Not the super from Papen County.”

            “Um…yes?”

            “So I suppose I should stay away from you, then.” Coulson stated, trying again to sit up, this time slower and more controlled. “Why am I wearing sweatpants? The Director could have at least left me in my suit.”

            Both men looked up in mild surprise when the cow dropped dead in the corner, Ned because he’d not yet realized a minute had passed, and Agent Coulson because he hadn’t seen or heard it yet in his haste to figure out his current situation.

            “So, do a lot of people at SHIELD know about me?” Ned asked warily as he watched Coulson slowly climb out of the box.

            “Only level 7 agents and up are allowed unlimited access to our database.” Coulson explained. “So, no. Only a few dozen agents out of thousands know you even exist.”

            Ned nodded understanding, grateful for that much at least.

            “We should go outside, your friends will be waiting for you.” The Pie-Maker tilted his head toward the door.

            “Which friends?”

            “The Director and the Deputy Director, and an Agent Alex Mondragon.” Ned listed off. “They have pie from my shop, too.”

            Agent Coulson looked disappointed, like he’d been expecting someone else, but he didn’t say anything, only gestured for Ned to go ahead of him as they exited the room. He walked slowly, leaning on the wall occasionally for support, until they reached the front doors of the building, and Ned didn’t turn around very many times; he knew _he_ wouldn’t want a stranger to see him in such a condition, especially if they couldn’t do anything to help, so he could imagine that Coulson would prefer if Ned didn’t stare.

            Director Fury was striding towards them immediately, looking for all the world like he was ready to wrap the other agent in a hug before he pulled up short, seeming to remember Coulson’s injury. Instead he smiled almost gratefully, handing over a plain grey t-shirt.

            “Welcome back, Coulson.” He said, making Coulson chuckle then wince ever so slightly at the movement.

            “Hey, Agent Coulson’s alive again!” Mondragon cheered, grinning.

Deputy Director Hill went over to Ned, who was standing by the car with his hands in his pockets and a small smile on his face at seeing the SHIELD agents’ reunion. She held her hand out for him to shake, and he did, after a moment of hesitation.

“Thank you.” She said sincerely. “You should probably go now though, your friends parked down the block and I think Charlotte’s about ready to come and drag you away if we don’t let you go soon.”

Ned blushed at that, embarrassed that Emerson and Chuck had been spotted in their scheme to keep an eye on him, but not entirely surprised in retrospect. SHIELD was a bunch of spies, after all, it wouldn’t do if a couple of unorthodox PI’s could spy on SHIELD.

With a wave goodbye to the other agents, Ned headed across the street to where his friends were waiting.

 

* * * *

 

            Four months, one week, one day, and twenty-six minutes later, the Pie-Maker looked up from his baking to see six people sitting at the counter that hadn’t been there before. They’d barely had any business that day, so Chuck and Olive had taken a long lunch break, which left Ned alone in the Pie Hole, an extremely rare occurrence.

            “Welcome to the Pie Hole, can I take…” Ned trailed off as he exited the kitchen and saw that one of the six people there was none other than Agent Phil Coulson, smiling ever-so-slightly and looking much better now that he was in an agent-y looking suit and wasn’t grimacing in pain because of a mostly-open stab wound. “…Your order.” Ned finally finished. He glanced at the other five people.

            The Asian woman on Coulson’s left was wearing a suit like the one Maria Hill had been wearing when she came to meet the Pie-Maker. The woman looked stern, but her unreadable expression cracked into a tiny smile while she listened to the couple next to her debate the scientific possibility (or lack thereof) of the Doctor’s TARDIS.

            The couple, a young man and a young woman, both sounded like they were from England, and they were evidently very intelligent in the matter of science because the Pie-Maker only understood every few words of their jargon-filled conversation.

            On Coulson’s other side was another white man, very fit and wearing a form-fitting grey t-shirt, and next to him was a girl with a laptop out in front of her on the counter.

            “Mr. Pie-Maker.” Coulson smiled. “My team and I are here on a mission, but we had a minute so I thought we’d stop in for a quick hello. Can we get six cup-pies, to go?”

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of Alex and Maria's conversation for anyone who doesn't know Spanish:
> 
> "He's very handsome." (but Alex mainly means Ned's ass is cute since they were staring at it)  
> Maria's reply: "Yes, and the rest of him isn't too bad either."


End file.
